So I recently flew to Dallas for a couple days of a hugely rewarding and highly informative security conference. Flying is such a conglomeration of human fascinations to me these days. I thought I would share some of the things I find fascinating about flying.
We have all heard the instructions as we are about to take off, from the flight attendant or have we? Most people are busy trying to get that last urgent phone call or text in before they inadvertently bring the plane down. Some people already have the headphones on…the ones that eliminate extraneous sound….wouldn’t want to know about that oxygen mask. The other thing I find curious about the instructions is how they instruct you in fastening your seatbelt. So they are instructing me on how to use the seatbelt AFTER they have made sure everyone had their seatbelt fastened. Am I the only one who finds this curious? One more thing that comes to mind….how many crash scenes have you every seen pictures of with half of the passengers clinging to their seat cushions….because as everyone knows you may use your seat cushions as a flotation device. Let me change the question….Have you seen ONE passenger ever clinging to said flotation device?
Once they get us in the air and everyone is educated about the emergency exits they must orderly use in case of a crash, how to use the oxygen masks (cups really) how to detach and use the seat cushions in case of a water landing (hideous crash) and how damaging the smoke detectors in restrooms is a felony or something of that nature they then serve the alcohol. Sounds like a recipe for success don’t you think? By the way, are there smoke detectors anywhere but just the bathrooms? I sure hope so because by the time the smoke was to permeate the bathrooms I should think we would all be clinging to our seat cushions.
Now we’ve been up for a couple hours of indiscriminate jostling and babies crying and Ipods screeching and little Indian guys eating their very pungent four course meals right next to me not to mention several alcohol induced outbursts and it’s time to drop to a controlled landing on something other than water or pastures. It’s time to put everything away…put your seat back trays locked away….put your seatbacks in their upright position; that’s another detail that bugs me…why can’t I land in a relaxed position? Is their some grand reason we all must be sitting up? Anyway, as we touch down, usually a filling loosening thud, you can almost feel the tension rise as people prepare to figure out a way to body surf over the other passengers right off the plane. Alcohol also lends itself well to planning that project.
Then to complete the leisurely process of flying there is that mad dash to get your luggage, followed by about an hour wait for the luggage to start crawling up the conveyor belt. Then there are only about 200 black bags and God help you if you didn’t do the ribbon thing cause it could take another hour of searching bags for yours. One note, everyone is doing the ribbon thing now so you better have a unique ribbon! Then there’s the leisurely stroll through about a 4 mile terminal until you get to an immense parking deck in which your car is usually at the furthest point from the entrance. I think John Madden is absolutely right about taking a bus everywhere he goes (ok it is a private bus) as flying has become such a sea of human suffering that you either need to laugh about it or cry. As for me, I will try to continue to laugh until I can afford my own private bus.
